(audio version read by me)
Here is another tale from a session (there were many, actually) with My Former Bad Therapist where she talked about, who I call (to myself) her ‘Coke-y Ex-Boyfriend.’
She always talked about this bad-at-staying-sober coke addict ex of hers, and she would always (wrongly) equate it to a relationship that I was in. I was in this best-friends/benefits/situation-ship that was on again/off again for years. Admittedly, I was the offender in keeping it that way. Career first! Every time we were “off again”, I was spiraling. And every time we were “on again”, I was unsure. I was always, like, unsure. Ambivalence seems too calm a word for how I felt. I was a pin-ball flinging myself through the machine when no one was playing.
Long story short, we were kind of a bad combination. Neither of us bad people on our own, just a bad combination. That invisible trauma bond that brings people together brought us together, blah, blah, blah. Oh! Also, he wasn’t a cocaine addict past or present.
She would interrupt me right when I was at the nugget of what I thought the problem was (me - the aforementioned pin-ball)
“You know, this reminds me. I had this ex.”
Every time she told it, I’d be like,
“You’ve told me this. You told me this last week.”
She dated this coke addict who said he was sober. Or he was sober for a bit and they broke up so that he could work a program, but then one of them would slip and call the other, and they’d start up again. He always lied to her about his sobriety. I’d sit there not able to glean ANYTHING from this example. I get that we don’t have to have identical experiences for her disclosure to help me see myself in a situation. Sure, the whole on-again/off-again, that pull, that confusion. I get it. But I didn’t need an example to get what she was getting at. There was no need for disclosure. In fact, there was a need to listen to ME talk about MY story.
I’d tune her out and just think, I wouldn’t date a cocaine addict. Like, I just wouldn’t. I’m sorry. It just does not appeal to me.
She’s going on and on, she loves this part.
“He said he was sober, but he was a liar, because if an addict is moving their lips? They’re lying.”
That’s not her line. That’s a saying. Anyway.
“…and so then I went through his duffel bag, and I found condoms. But we didn’t use condoms…”
And I almost said it with her, “Because you had an IUD”.
Every time she told this story, I thought of Mr. Big taking up space at Aidan’s cabin, barging in to get comforted by Carrie when he got ghosted by the Hollywood actress.
“See, she can reach me, but I can’t get her.”
Anyway, the end of the story of My Former Bad Therapist and her Coke-y Ex Boyfriend is that he was cheating. She was so addicted to him that she pretended that he wasn’t until she couldn’t take it anymore. And she walked away from this toxic relationship! She told the Universe that she was done with losers and she met her would-be-husband three months later!
But
“You know, I still... every once in a while, I go to his Facebook page. And I still get that little charge, so that’s how I know I have to stay away and in a no-contact with him.”
WHO SAYS THIS IN THERAPY? USUALLY THE PATIENT. NOT THE THERAPIST!
I am the luckiest person. I don’t go pain shopping. I do not stalk any ex’s social media, or anyone who has hurt me or who I could be jealous of. Nope. Not even tempted. I DESPISE that gut punch feeling of seeing something that makes me feel less than. It’s not worth it. I have no magic bullet or method of living that got me to this place. It’s such an awful sensation that I want to avoid, it feels as natural to me as avoiding roller-coasters and touching oysters.
I still think that
A.) I shouldn’t know that story
B.) She shouldn’t tell me that story (every week)
C.) She’s a married woman with kids and she’s still looking at her Coke-Y Ex-Boyfriend’s Facebook page and getting charged up? Which takes me back to Point A. You probably shouldn’t admit that in a therapy session to anyone except ANOTHER THERAPIST.
I have to admit, I wonder what her Coke-y Ex-Boyfriend is up to these days and if he’s ever looked at her Facebook page. And if he has never looked at her page? I kind of want her to find that out. I’m petty.
xo, jen