The definition of a perfectionist isn’t someone who does things perfectly. Perfectionist doesn’t even mean someone who aims to do things perfectly, taking their time and obsessing over every detail. A perfectionist (aka me) is an unhinged soul with a brain that acts like a popcorn machine which subsequently makes their (my) body want to act like a potato. It’s someone who can’t even get started.
I don’t believe that perfection exists, except maybe when it comes to drawing a straight line correctly with a ruler. I don’t believe that anything creative can ever be perfect. I’ll fight you with my tiny fists if you ever try to tell me that my work isn’t good because it isn’t perfect and I’d have a gang of non-perfectionists here on Substack who would back me up. But like shovel hitting rock, I'm striking something that’s stopping my dig. Whenever I start to write, clang! I feel as though I’m in a massive skill regression.
Perfect? I don’t even know if what I’m going to write is GOOD. I don’t even mean GOOD-good, like “Wow, that was GOOD.” I don’t mean that my writing won’t be “good enough” in the therapy sense (you are enough!). I mean that it won’t be good AT ALL. “This is writing? Oh. I didn’t know. It looks more like moldy bread.”
If what I was going to write was objectively GOOD but just BORING, I would be so happy. (I think.) I have so much inside of me, that I don’t think is boring, but I can’t get it out. It’s like I don’t even know how to speak or write English. I used to write every day. I blogged back in the 1990’s. I just had to look at that twice because I was sure I’d typed the wrong years. 1990’s looks like it should be in a book next to a picture of a pilgrim. But that’s right. 1998. I blogged. I was full of confidence. Completely unearned confidence, God bless her/me.
I did have some skill. There was a voice. There was proper grammar. Like, even the way that I just wrote “there was.” Is that the best I can do? That looks like something an English teacher would circle in red. Wait, also, “would circle”, is that too passive? Should it read: ‘An English teacher circles in red?’ Would everyone be captivated, reading such a driving tense? At what point should I just never write the word “like” again? Even if I’m not writing it in a Valley Girl slang way? I noticed I wrote “just” another filler word, another passive word, but I like the rhythm of those words.
This is what my brain does to me when I write. I’m not trying to be cute or rely on the character of my Inner Critic as a writing trope. I’m free-writing. I’m letting it flow over here and I’m catching every thought that flows out of my head and trickles down my spine, where it goes to live somewhere down in my hips I suppose. I’m calling out my thoughts as a way to show myself that there’s a constant hum, or tape playing in the background of my mind. CONSTANTLY. Is it destructive? Is it right? I think a lot of us have had a skill regression from being online too much. Sorry, I didn’t mean to suddenly make this a “we” problem.
I read many books at a time and on average one book per week. I don’t watch that much TV and I lot of my screen time is spent watching journaling tutorials on You Tube or time management ADHD advice videos. But yes, of course, I scroll Tik Tok (much more fun than Instagram. Even when I see the same video from a creator on Tik Tok that I first saw on Instagram, it’s more fun on Tik Tok.) That has to be breaking my brain but again, I don’t do it a LOT. But maybe AT ALL is a lot? I’m perimenopause and AuDHD but I’m medicated and I've recently added the antihistamine/Famotidine combo. Shit, forgot to take it today. I’ll do that in one second. I hope the gingerale in the glass on my kitchen table is flat enough to swallow a couple of pills with because I don’t want to try and find my water bottle. I think I left it on the subway.
Do I need to go back to school for basic English? Writing? Something? Or is my style of writing “my style” - as in, it can’t be bad because it’s stylistic! The kind of writing that a square complains about and their anti-rules friend says, “You just don’t get it. We’re in a post academic world.” All I know is that I have so many ideas and maybe I’ll just list them here and that will give me the courage to at least try to write TERRIBLE versions of these articles, free-writes, posts, whatever anyone wants to call them. Journals. I think this is called Jen Kirkman Journal. I mean it like the word “digest” not journal as in diary.
Okay, here’s the list of things that I want to write about, that my brain ruminates on, instead of writing. I promise myself, as we near Virgo season, I can feel the stars lining up for my Sun and Rising signs. My brain will come back to me and I’ll realize that all along, all that I needed to do was practice. Writing is the only solution for not writing.
Okay, okay. Here’s that list. My hands are cramping up at the thought of even writing a LIST of the stories that I want to write. I thought that this would be a low-pressure way to start in on them. Just write the list. Oh my God, I’m about to stand up and go do something. But what? Oh, take those pills. That’s productive. I’m not procrastinating. I’m not! If I don’t take the pills, then I’m procrastinating that. Hang on. I’ll be right back.
I didn’t get to title my first book what I wanted, which was “You’ll Change Your Mind.” Simon & Schuster said it would upset moms. Instead I had to call it, “I Can Barely Take Care Of Myself”.
S&S told me that I could not write a book about divorce because it’s too divisive of a topic and people who have been divorced don’t want to read about it. (WRONG).
The guy who did my wallpaper in my bedroom back in Los Angeles, who said to me, “With your crazy decor, you’re making it very clear that there’s no room for a man in your life.”
The guy who shampooed my rugs in LA telling his crew to go home while he stayed for four hours and asked me questions about what I was writing. I called the owner of the company - a woman - and we had a long talk about dangerous men being in women’s homes and I got a full refund.
Feeling really restricted about what I can write because even putting things behind a paywall because this weird person, who is not in my life, gets all stirred up thinking that “something is wrong” and they start bothering people who know me inquiring about my mental health.
My failed late Christmas card plan of 2025/2026.
Wondering if my Bad Therapist was actually some kind of narcissist.
Confession. I don’t really like having plants.
My retina white flashes, the getting older symptom that I never hear anyone talk about.
My frustration with doctors in their late 30’s, women, who are incurious and dismissive about perimenopause. My petty rage. I want to know them in ten years when perimenopause comes for them and I want to, “I told you so” them until they cry.
The Statue of Liberty is still standing. I see it from my roof every day.
Madonna.
Madonna again.
Fuck it. Madonna a third time.
This felt good. I didn’t get up to take the antihistamine/Famotidine. The urge passed and I let the list be typed. I’ll get up and take those pills now. Oh, there’s my water bottle! It’s on the couch. Okay. SEND.
xo, jen
Come see me in NYC Aug 28th at Joe’s Pub
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hi jen! longtime fan, dating back to your first book, as i am a millennial who always knew i wanted to be childfree. i resonate so much with the perfectionism/creativity dichotomy you write about — it’s so hard to just get started! the internet has definitely done a number on my brain and i find free writing longhand to help. it’s made me more alert and tuned into my day job, but definitely the getting started and pushing past the editor in my head that’s the hardest part.
as madonna’s self-proclaimed #1 millennial fan, she’s at the top of my own “to write about” list. i’m in the midst of a series on her early life and work to hopefully explain to other millennials and gen z why she’s the best to ever do it. CII is truly a masterpiece!!
anyway, so thrilled you’re here on substack and looking forward to your show at joe’s pub later this month!
This was a very entertaining read. Felt like I am right there in your head going through all of these thoughts at record speed. I love it when people just take me along the journey of this dialog that their multiple personalities are having in their heads before a decision comes out.