I am so afraid. I am just sitting here frozen. I feel the fear as heat and stiffness running up the side of my head. Shoulders up the neck to the ears. It’s icy/hot. Extra strength. Just like what’s in the tube.
I don’t want to forgive myself. I do want to forgive myself. I want to freeze in place until I can go back in time and not live in vagueness around this.
I want to blame everyone else. I gave up. I didn’t know how to communicate. Now I know. I’ve learned. I’ve learned! But how long do I have to learn? Because I’m freaking the fuck out.
I’m so angry right now.
What did I do wrong?
Is this truly punishment? Why aren’t the literal cannibal pedophiles being punished?
Blackness, blankness, relief.
That’s the emotional flashback, the CPTSD, the Autism, the ADHD, the Emotional Immaturity. All of the pathologies that make me, me.
Why. Why. Why. Why. Why.
I was frozen. I kept putting it off. I don’t know what I was afraid to feel.
How did this happen ? Vagueness? No boundaries? I don’t fucking know. I really, really don’t.
Is this what I get for helping? I guess I’m here to learn that lesson.
I want to expect miracles but I don’t believe in them. I don’t know if this is predestined but I’d really like it not to be.
I’m so angry. I don’t want to swallow this anger. I am afraid.
I fucking asked that idiot. I told her in no uncertain terms.
I’m a real fuck up. Who is going to take care of me.
Can’t I have a turnaround? Am I in full control of that? Because if you tell me that I am, I will get to work right now on making that happen.
My mother would tell me it means that I’m going to heaven. Fuck heaven. There is no heaven. I don’t give a fuck if there is a heaven. What’s heaven got to do with me here and now.
God, I know I don’t believe in you and I just said that I don’t give a fuck about heaven. But if there’s a god that doesn’t mind that I don’t believe in him or her or heaven, can he/she/they please help?
Why am I going to god? Am I five years old? Because it seems like I’m five years old. This childlike system is dangerous for an adult to still be operating on.
I want to vomit from my eye sockets.
Didn’t I suffer enough that this can all be a wash? Why is spirituality and morality coming into this? This isn’t moral. But it feels like it.
I imagine I feel worse about this than the psychos who run the world who rape and eat children. Not to imply that they eat the ones they’ve raped. I’m sure in their fucked up heads those are two different kinds of children on two different areas of the menu.
Can’t I get any pity for being ashamed? Any gentle care? It seems like now isn’t the time for that. Isn’t that how I got here? By being too easy on myself?
I don’t want to be covered in loser dust.